Living Out Loud!

Oct 23, 2005

Switched blog...

I've decided to switch from blogdrive to blogspot. My new add will be http://starlightliz.blogspot.com . Anyone wanna pop by, you are welcome to. I am quite new there... so it'll take some time for me to add new features and all there. However, I've already started posting my blogs there. Will be blogging more often there.

Ciaoz peeps! Take carez! See yaz there ^_^

Posted at 09:16 pm by starlightliz
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Oct 22, 2005

Not READY!!!

Have you ever felt so confident thinking about executing a plan.... but when you actaully execute it, you feel so unprepared, just not ready and so little in the inside? That is how i feel =P My CG leader will be leaving our CG soon. I can't believe this is happening!!! and she is leaving me with the cell...

Well, it is a priviledge indeed that I am gonna lead this bunch of fun wachos. At the same time, I am really really afraid that I'll screw up somewhere and lead them to the wrong way. Well, as I think many will notice la (especially my CG mates), I am not really good in teaching. I don't illustrate points well and I don't exactly have an organized mind. I'll go lost for words at times....

I remember when I started CG in Pre-U, I told Grace that one of my goals was to serve in Pre-U and perhaps to serve by leading others. I was so so so confident that time... and when I was given the opprutunity last year, I turned it down. Why? Because I had to choose between my dancing ministry (whcih I have been in for about 7 years already) and leadership in my CG. I did wonder how come I didn't take up the leadership earlier and stick to dancing still... Perhaps, I feel it is not my time yet? I can't really remember.

The funny thing was when I became assistent, I never knew that I was gonna take over the CG one day. I thought that I would just be assisting. I thought it wouldn't be official, you know. As things started progressing in CG, I realize that I am doing more than just assisting. So, I was quite confused, at first. Then only, I got to know that she was training me up to be a leader. Hehehe I thought I was only helping her out *slap on the head* So, that was how I got into the ministry =P

I thought it would be some sort easy for me. Boy, I was wrong. I was afraid too that if I am at the "frontline", I would be quite proudful.. ya know what I mean. But my friend proved me wrong... it'll more often make you humble & small (something like dat). As I had to lead CG from time to time.. He was actually right!!! I felt and still feel small & inadequate. And the great thing is, because of that, I have to hung and will continue to hang unto God's adequacy. I keep looking unto my Father in Heaven for help and for guidance. That is what God wants! To put Him in the centre of it... not leading the others by my own strength but by His and be blessed by His wisdom. Not only that, I believe that I will gain confidence through Him.

But wait... am i leading leading them or facilitating them? I would much prefer to do the facilitating (it seems so much easier =P), but I guess when you are the leader, people look up to ya and automatically, in someways, you carry this responsibility of leading them because they observe the way you live your life & perhaps if I am some sort of a role model, they would want to follow the things I do. I guess it's more about guiding them towards our Father... and together discovering what is He wants us to do in life.

Posted at 11:22 am by starlightliz
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Don't like to be controlled

I am a person who doesn't like to be controlled in a way. It's like... if someone keeps nagging me, not to do this or that for my own good... and if i really know ya, I get frustrated and tend to retaliate. I am sure that one of my best buddy knows me that well, cause I often argue with him though he makes me do things for my own good. At the end also, I'll kinda try to give in and listen to him. But before that I'll try to use whatever reasons to defend myself. I can be really stubborn.

When I feel that someone have to control me, I feel as if i lost control over my life.. and it feels as if someone else has taken my life away and controlled it. It feels bad... it's like lost something that belongs to me.. that includes my pride.

I have always longed to be independant... and I know that my family members and some of my friends laugh at me because I don't know how to do things on my own. It's quite hurting in a way. It's like saying, "Lizzie ah... cannot depend wanz la. She cannot do anything wanz la...". Maybe it's all in my head but it really makes me feel inadequate.

In a way, maybe that's why i make myself busy... and i try to be initiative... to carry up more responsibility.. hoping that I am able to learn to be independent and also build up my self esteem as well.

However, we can't totally take control of our lives. Firstly, we are only stewards in this world. God ask us to take care of our bodies and the things we have. It doesn't belong to us. Our lives, belong to God because He is our Creator. He made us. We are His property. Though so, we are to take care of the things and life that He has given us.

Secondly, how much can you have control of your life when you are strucked with diseases? If you are paralyzed or in coma... how much can you really control your life? Other people have to take care of you... you will feel totally useless, like a vegie. Just a tiny, microscopic virus can shut down your immune system. How are we gonna control that when it happens to us?

We can't have total control of our lives.. Although so, doesn't mean that we do not have any control in our lives either. God gave us control by allowing us to make choices. So, do not let circumstances push you around. I used to be pushed around by circumstances.. My friend had to wake me up from it... It was because I didn't like to make decisions, i let circumstances to make it for me. I was so afraid of making the wrong ones. That is not the right attitude... not the one that God wants us to become.

There would always be risk in the decisions we make. And whether we like it a not, we are not in control of all things (things around us, the people around us, the response we'll get from others... and of course ourselves- biologically). We can only try our best to control whatever that comes our way and ourselves... such us take concious effort to take care of our bodies and health, fleeing from temptation instead of inviting/drawing closer to it, avoid any dangers... Then again, do not blame yourselves for the things that are beyond your hands. You can help in other ways.. perhaps on prayer. All in all, we have to surrender it all and ourselves to God.

Posted at 02:27 am by starlightliz
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Lost for words

I think I started blogging just last year.... if i am not mistaken, beginning of the year. I remembered when i started this blog of mine, I had so many things I wanted to express. I remembered I posted almost everyday when I first started. It was so so fun blogging and expressing my thoughts, feelings and sharing with my blog mates.

As months passed by and soon became a year plus, I started to post once a month? Those peeps who were regularly coming to my blog, rarely comes anymore because they know that my posts were usually late and most of what I write now has less substance than what I used to write. Why is that?

So many things has happened in my life. I feel as if I can hardly express myself much now. Life feels quite stagnant for some reason. It's a routine. Does anyone get the same way? That as you get older, you feel expressionless for some reason... like lost for words when people ask you about life or what you think about life itself.

Maybe this is because we are living in a fast pace world. Everything around is moves increadibly fast... I guess it's also because we are constantly busy with something. It's either we are really busy or we purposely keep ourselves busy. Therefore, we don't have time to really think about life itself... to really reflect on our lives. Heck, we don't even bother about what goes on in the world at times as well. We soon become ignorant.

I know I don't read the newspapers. But I know it's not a good habit. God doesn't want us to be ignorant or unaware of our environement and the way we live. It's not the way He wants us to live. We are suppose to be involved somehow... whether physically or spiritually.

Have I been really ignorant about my surroundings? Yes. Have I lost touch of the world? Yes. Have I lost touch of my feelings? Perhaps. Am I lost for words? I don't wanna be.

I still wanna be a useful function to the society.. to the people around me.. in where I am. Like our message in CG today... to be "The Salt & Light of the Earth". I still wanna make a differences somehow, though it may seem impossible to me.

Posted at 01:53 am by starlightliz
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Oct 16, 2005

Quizzies for fun...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Posted at 09:08 pm by starlightliz
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What Color Should Your Blog Be?

Your Blog Should Be Green

Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff. You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas. However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Hehe another one of my wierd results? I don't really know how true it is. Any comments?

Posted at 08:58 pm by starlightliz
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Oct 9, 2005

7 things...

Inspired by my dearest CG leader, Grace Yong to blog about this...

7 dreams I hope to fullfill before I die:
a) make a difference in the lives of the people around me

b) my friends to know Christ
c) be involved in a contemporary christian dance movement, perhaps leading it
d) come out with my own album of composed songs
e) do a seeker's discussion bible study with peeps who wants to know Christ
f) lead a congregation in worship
g) play keyboard in concert
h) get married with max of 4 kids (if God ordains it, He will make a way! =P)

7 things I need to learn to do:
a) DRIVE more often & hopefully on my own!
b) cook & bake *yumz*
c) be more tidy (esp my study table & cupboard)
d) stop scracthing my legs (contrrroolll!!!!)
e) stop shackin my legs
f) be more responsible
g) be more friendly *not too shy shy*
h) go for exercise, you lazy bum!

7 words I tend to use:
a) so cute!!!
b) ini budak...
c) seriouss??!!?/really???
d) my gosh...
e) aiks!
f) all the -ah's, eh's, la's...
g) so fuuuu-nny!
h) Huh? *blur*

7 physical traits I look for in my life partner:
a) Eyes
b) Cuteness! ^_^
c) Great 'n sweetest smile *that can make me melt! hehe*
d) broad shoulders *so space for me when u lie on his shoulder*
e) strong arms *carry me!!!*
f) nice hair *to play with*
g) taller than me
h) hands bigger than mine *can fit my hands in*

7 character traits I look for in my life partner:
a) be true, integrity
b) honors the Lord, have faith, obeys Him
c) romantic
d) able to lead & guide me
e) joy ^_^
f) trustable, dependable
g) faithful, committed
h) able to spend time with me, loves me for who I am

7 physical appearance I would like to have:
a) hairlight hair purplish red
b) straighter hair *tried all kinds of shampoo (bluff wanz! say can straighten)/straighten before*
c) tallerrr!!! *friends say eat kokocrunch*
d) perfect eyesight *no need specs!*
e) thinner =P *tall 'n slim*

f) flawless skin
g) big eyes! ^_^
h) nicer feet, legs

7 things I love/truly enjoy:
a) music
b) dancing
c) food! *yumz*
d) movies
e) city lights at nite
f) friends *hanging out*
g) take pics of my friends & I *collection* - show my children & grandchildren next time =P
h) inspirational cards, bookmarks with meaningful words *album collection*

Well, that's all for today! ^_^ hope you all enjoy urselves! have a great day 'n week ya! God bless

Posted at 02:28 pm by starlightliz
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Sep 22, 2005

Goodbye, friend!

This month, 2 friends had left to UK, a friend leaving today itself and again next week to the same continent. After that, the first week of Nov, a CGmate of my will be leaving to Russia. Oh man, I feel so reluctant to let them go... especially those who are close to me and dear to my heart.

I can't believe it... time passes by so fast. Before you know it, I am already 19 years old... and soon, I'll be leaving to further my studies as well. I guess, we live in a busy world... we are so hectic with our lives, moving around getting our work done, forgetting how is it like to just stop & look around... appreciate the things you have and the people who were there... or are still there.

It's like taking pictures... You capture the moment, fiesting your eyes upon that one thing, you wanna take of... and when it comes out, it'll be a memory... something that you hold unto and when you look back at it, you'll remember the exact place, exact time and exact moment.. what you did & why you took it.. why it hold such importance in your life that you would wanna capture it...

We move in a fast pace world, especially in KL. Places like Aussie and New Zealand have a more flexible lifestyle... (from what I heard. Is that true?) We worry about so many things in life & get caught up with it. Before we know it, time.. caught up with us. How can this be?

I love my friends so much. I really will miss them. I appreciate everyone of them. They have blessed me so much by providing me this wonderful friendship. I thank God, that even up till today, I still am able to spend time with my secondary school mates... my crazy, whacky gang when I was 15 years old... my classmates then... the ones dear to me. Many others too who were with me when I was growing up in my teen years. I also thank those whom I knew since primary school, still sticking close to me till today. Last but not least, those whom I just met. I am so blessed have met ya all throughout my life... when i was a kid till now... everyone of you. Thank you so much!

I'm gonna miss those who are leaving or those whom I haven't seen for years. May we be able to meet again... If not on earth, perhaps in heaven with our Heavenly Father, rejoicing with Him! Take care, my friends.

Posted at 09:49 am by starlightliz
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Old & new

I realize that throughout the years, I have changed. Well, of course one wouldn't be the same after 5 years (for instance)... each of us are shaped by experiences & perhaps feedback from others. I realize that when I became an adolenscent, I constantly look for feedbacks about myself. What others thought about me, my character and how I perhaps could be a better person. I had many feedbacks such as "be more sociable... you're too quiet", "stand up for yourself, gal! don't let others step on your head", "learn to say 'NO'"... heheh yeah, i even gave each of them a letter before asking them how they percieved me and how I could improve myself. Am i trying to please them? Maybe... who knows?

My aim was to want to be a better person... but am i looking at the right places? God, our Creator knows us perfectly well. He fearfully and wonderfully made all us (Ps. 139:14a). Since, I didn't really know what God wants from me because I couldn't really hear Him... Also, there is huge possibility that we often do not dare to hear His voice... afraid that everything we have been and all that we have done seem wrong.

Anyway, there was a diversion when I was about 13-15 years of age to when I turned 15/16 onwards. I was increadibly good in socializing after that... for some reason. Before that I was a shy, quiet, petite girl, trying to help others but many see it as others take advantage of me. Maybe what my friends told me was true. In some extend, I need to stand up for myself... Then again, stand up for myself until I build a wall around me from getting hurt? Isn't that stepping over the line? I was no longer that "shy", "too careful with people" girl *well, I am still kinda shy... it's not like it just disappeared". Being both extremes sure have it's pros and cons. Everything in life has it's consequences to weigh. What doesn't?

I learnt that however strong the person may appear to be, he or she has a weak spot in the inside. Sometimes I really wonder to myself... Who am I? Am I me? Or am I just someone that goes around being what others want to see in me? How can I be what God wants me to be? How do I know if i am moving the right path? I realize that it takes perhaps a few wrong turns for us to finally walk in the right path. That's why our life is full of mystery and discovery... a whole journey. We all make mistakes in our lives. But we need constant assurance that we are going to the right way...

We humans are kiasu people. We are so afraid of taking risks... so afraid of making a choice because of the mistakes we might or could have made. So, what is it going to be? Allow someone else to make the decisions for you, don't make it at all, or take courage to step out and learn from whatever you've done? Let cincumstances in life control you or you control it? Let God control be in control of your life or you wanna control it yourself?

Posted at 09:31 am by starlightliz
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Aug 15, 2005

Clear air ^_^

The haze is over. The clear air is back!!! Thank You, God! I realize how important the air and oxygen is for me. Last few days, we could hardly see anything ahead of us (outside). We could hardly see our neighbours rooftop and we can smell the burning, smoke smell. Imagine, how much polluted air, we have been taking in, for almost a week. It is really scary >_<

My mum constantly worry for my brother's and my health (well, especially me, cause I fall sick most often in the family), as both of us have a history of asthma attacks. So, we had to wear the mask around, whenever we went out. Everything outside was so blurry! I was wondering whether my spectacle's power had increased again.

I have never really appreciated clear air in M'sia, until now. Always thought that the air in Aussie is so much fresher than here. Their environment is so much cleaner too! Though so, i learnt that i should just appreciate and be thankful for the things I have now. I mean, we still have oxygen to keep us alive each day. Since the air is clear, it'll be easier for us to breathe in teh oxygen as well, without falling sick.

Last nite, when i was coming back from church, I saw how clear the air was. It was great! I could see the night lights on the streets so clear, so bright, piercing through the darkness. Amazing... it looked so... outstanding! As if, I haven't seen them in a long time. "Wow!" I thought to myself.

"Thank You, Father for blowing the haze away. Thank you that we are able to have clear, fresh air once again. May not be as fresh as it would like to be, but we are thankful anyway to have what we already have. I pray that you help us to be thankful each day, for the lil things in our lives that may play a significant and important roles in our lives. The things around us... that we have, including people. I pray that You teach us to praise You continually for all the things You have provided for us, like the air. So often, we forget, until something something or someone took it away from us. I pray for the other countries who are facing this haze, i pray that You will be with them and indeed let them know that You are in control because You are God. Therefore, they don't have to worry so much... grant them peace as they live each day and I pray that they too will appreciate what they once had and what they have still in their lives. Thank You. In Jesus Name, Amen."

Posted at 02:18 am by starlightliz
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