I realize that throughout the years, I have changed. Well, of course one wouldn't be the same after 5 years (for instance)... each of us are shaped by experiences & perhaps feedback from others. I realize that when I became an adolenscent, I constantly look for feedbacks about myself. What others thought about me, my character and how I perhaps could be a better person. I had many feedbacks such as "be more sociable... you're too quiet", "stand up for yourself, gal! don't let others step on your head", "learn to say 'NO'"... heheh yeah, i even gave each of them a letter before asking them how they percieved me and how I could improve myself. Am i trying to please them? Maybe... who knows?

My aim was to want to be a better person... but am i looking at the right places? God, our Creator knows us perfectly well. He fearfully and wonderfully made all us (Ps. 139:14a). Since, I didn't really know what God wants from me because I couldn't really hear Him...  Also, there is huge possibility that we often do not dare to hear His voice... afraid that everything we have been and all that we have done seem wrong. 

Anyway, there was a diversion when I was about 13-15 years of age to when I turned 15/16 onwards. I was increadibly good in socializing after that... for some reason. Before that I was a shy, quiet, petite girl, trying to help others but many see it as others take advantage of me. Maybe what my friends told me was true. In some extend, I need to stand up for myself... Then again, stand up for myself until I build a wall around me from getting hurt? Isn't that stepping over the line? I was no longer that "shy", "too careful with people" girl *well, I am still kinda shy... it's not like it just disappeared". Being both extremes sure have it's pros and cons. Everything in life has it's consequences to weigh. What doesn't?

I learnt that however strong the person may appear to be, he or she has a weak spot in the inside. Sometimes I really wonder to myself... Who am I? Am I me? Or am I just someone that goes around being what others want to see in me? How can I be what God wants me to be? How do I know if i am moving the right path? I realize that it takes perhaps a few wrong turns for us to finally walk in the right path. That's why our life is full of mystery and discovery... a whole journey. We all make mistakes in our lives. But we need constant assurance that we are going to the right way...

We humans are kiasu people. We are so afraid of taking risks... so afraid of making a choice because of the mistakes we might or could have made. So, what is it going to be? Allow someone else to make the decisions for you, don't make it at all, or take courage to step out and learn from whatever you've done? Let cincumstances in life control you or you control it? Let God control be in control of your life or you wanna control it yourself?